Assertiveness-Then & Now...

As the legend goes, Sudama did not reveal his abject poverty to his friend & lord, but Krishna read his mind & granted him all he had wished for, but not asked! Moral of the Story: God knows what you want, do not be too shameless to demand/beg for it.

All of us have listened to this tale as kids, and somewhere imprinted in our minds that we shall be offered on a plate what we desire, if we pray/wish for the same. No need for asking!

But alas! The real world does not function in the same good ol' fashion. You have to open your mouths, ask, demand, beg and do all what it takes to achieve your coveted goal. No wonder corporates insist on the value of assertiveness. It is the right combination of pleading and fighting (gurus call it negotiating!), a perfect balance of sharp words and silent but sharper gestures. Whether you want a raise from your boss, a selection in an interview, a contract from your client, help from your colleague or even want the office boy to scan your papers first... assert yourself!  Ever felt 'I should have said that', 'he just manipulated me & i couldn't say no', 'how come none of what i want ever happens', 'i couldn't say what i wanted to'... well, there you are!

Assertiveness is different from communication. Communication is merely about conveying your message to the other person (extremely important though), assertiveness is about convincing him of your point.

I'm no management guru, but have learned a few gems in this field during my work stint. Sorry, no college can teach you this, you've got to be working in an hierarchical organisation to even realise its meaning! Here are my key learnings (Disclaimer: Even after loads of tutoring & reprimanding by my boss and despite the n no. of training sessions attended, i've taken long strides, but not perfected the art!) I've employed these (or at least tried to!) during vendor negotiations, client meetings, departmental discussions, and even everyday work to some extent.

• Firstly convince yourself of what you want! This requires a lot of brainstorming before developing a clear picture of what you want. Work out all the nitty-gritties.
• Next, try to gain as much knowledge and information (relevant to the issue) as possible. Knowledge, agreed, can never be complete, but know enough to encompass all possibilities. So, do your homework well!
• Keep the info concrete & handy. Try not to leave any loose strings. Be objective.
• What knowledge can’t, let your words do! Try to think of all the opposing points and prepare your answers accordingly.
• Test the waters first. Listen! The other person too is technically in the same oat as you are. If you know the person well, employ words & tactics that have worked on him before. If you are meeting for the 1st time, study the person, but refrain from judging him.
• Never get personal! Act professional and state only the facts! Keep a check on your tone & volume. At no point in time, get rude or lose you temper.
• Say no. Directly. On the face. And don’t budge.
• It's not necessary to win every argument. You can lose many battles, but concentrate on winning the war!
• Negotiate.
• Let go of arguments that you are losing. Change the topic & come back later if you want. Don't let your opponent do this to you.
• Lastly, remember this is not the end of the world. Even if you lose, your life won't end. This realisation keeps you from getting desperate.

This list is obviously non-exhaustive, but hope it helps!

Chak de Fate!

This is a lesser known sub-plot of the epic of Ramayana. The story goes like this... There was once a very wicked Asura who used to torment saints and commoners. (Have you noticed, by the way, that every second Hindu mythological story begins thus! Sorry, coming back to the story...) One day, he met a wise saint and had a sudden change of heart looking at the serene disposition of the seer. He begged the saint to absolve him of all his sins and grant him salvation. The wise man recalled the Asura's sins and asked him to follow the path of penance. He said that the Asura's sins were so great that they could be cleansed away only if Goddess Laxmi would appear under him and Lord Shiva above! What did it mean? Did it happen? And how?

The Asura was reborn as a tree. In the Ashoka Vatika in Lanka. The one under which Sita was seated. And the salvation point came when Hanuman perched on top of the tree when he found her!

Wow!

Retracing the steps... so it was all predestined. Hanuman finding Sita, Ravan kidnapping her, Ram going to exile... So if it was pre-wriiten, why do you blame Ravan for kidnapping her? Or Sita for crossing the Laxmanrekha? Or Kaikeyi for inciting Dashrath? Or Dashrath for killing Shravankumar? Or worse still, did these characters do what they did by their own thought or choice, or because it was fatalistically predetermined?

Going by the same logic, is everything in our life too predecided? Where do our choices, actions or free will stand in that matter? Are we merely puppets in this play, following the prewritten script with no inputs of our own?

A little brainstorming, and i cleared my perspective. (Disclaimer: My personal opinion, completely. You may agree or disagree.) Life is a series of equations with constants and variables. The constants are events/incidents you cant change-they are pre-imposed on you. The variables are the decisions you take & the choices you make. They are key in determining the future constants of your (& others') equations.The situations that arise are the culmination of each equation.

For example, let us look at the Asura. He had a choice to make: to repent for sins or not. If he chose the latter, he would not have been part of this story. But he chose the former & created a 'constant' for his future-the salvation point. This constant also became manthatory for Laxmi & Shiva to materialise. They could have merely appeared (as Bramha generally does) to bless the Asura, but they chose to be part of a greater plot. Again, going in flasback mode. Had Ravan not kidnapped Sita, had the situation materialised? Why not, he could have simply invited Ram & his consort along with his deity Shiva/Hanuman to bless him & absolve his own sins. He chose otherwise. The constant remained, but the equation changed! Had Dashrath or Kaikeyi made alternative choices, Ram still might have gone to the forest -for expedition, not exile! The plot would not be affected, but their lives would have been considerably different.

Guess it works for us too! Folklores & myths are subject to interpretation after all. And talking about parallel worlds... Well next topic, next time!